I had no idea the depth of hatred buried deep inside. Buried under layers and years of shame, denial, pretense, lies and bad choices. I didn’t feel like a victim of abuse. My life now was good and successful, but she had crushed my spirit repeatedly, over and over again. And I was finding out that time really doesn’t heal all by itself. My inner spirit was still crushed and I hated her for it. I had been carrying around the pain for years, completely unaware.
Well, it would seep out once in awhile and surprise me. The unexplained outbursts of anger, the sobbing for no apparent reason, the zero tolerance or defensiveness I exerted with controlling or passive-aggressive clients, my innate but unbeknowst-to-me desire to be as far away from her as possible, the panic-attacks during extended periods of time with her, the unconscious choice of framed pictures in my house (there were none of her) – it all made sense now!
There was deep-seeded hatred that was buried in the very core of my being and I felt hopeless. All those years of going from one bad relationship to another. All the hurt, the pain and the accumulated baggage with each failed relationship, I was now able to trace back to her and I hated her for it! Why did I have to pay for her mistakes? I was paying painfully and discouragingly for her selfish, narcissistic behavior and I resented her for it. She had crushed my spirit and I wasn’t sure how I was going to ever recover from that! I knew how to get over a broken heart (had plenty of those) but how do you heal from a broken and crushed spirit?
As I pondered my reality in tears, my answer came to me in Psalm 34:18 – “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” That night, I stumbled on a wordpress blog by peebles* that gave me hope: “His healing balm, His oil, brings a soothing healing, far beyond the superficial, a healing that reaches down to the very core and brings COMPLETE healing. He can bring you restoration. He can lift you up. He can take your crushed spirit and rebuild you into a better, stronger person.” I was drained and exhausted, but I laid my head down on my pillow that night with a sense of peace and comfort that I can’t explain. I was going to be okay. I would be completely healed.
* http://peebles.wordpress.com/2009/10/06/psalm-3418-niv-the-lord-is-close-to-the-broken-hearted-and-saves-those-who-are-crushed-in-spirit/